You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
