the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
