Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Someone signed my nipple.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
