We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
