I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
