Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
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It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
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Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.