She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Dating After Heartbreak
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.