we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
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I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
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Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?