Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.