We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
