I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
17 year olds will be the death of me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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