her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
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Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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