Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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