I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
