I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
