I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
