I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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