I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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