I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
