If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
