Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
