Swine flu. Run for my life!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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