The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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