Umm I'm too high to move.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
