Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
