How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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