I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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