just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
