did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
