just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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