is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
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Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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