She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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