i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
