am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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