I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
