the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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