The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Come share oat with me in your robe
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
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