i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
