I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
