Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
