Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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