RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
