I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my nap took me to another dimension
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
