There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
