Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
