I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
