Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
