Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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