I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
