Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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