He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
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Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize