This is not my ceiling
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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