I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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