Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
