Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
