You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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