i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.