Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.