Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
