I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
