i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
