dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
