i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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