Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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