this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
